Urbana Man Taps Maples; Wife Dismayed.

Local resident Sam Vandegrift has begun tapping the maple trees at his Urbana home to make maple syrup. His wife Karen Klebbe is dismayed. “It all started a few years ago when Sam decided the family should go organic. We planted a garden in the back yard, and started getting all our eggs and dairy from a local farmer. I even let him put flax seed on my Quinoa in the morning. Of course I miss my Apple Jacks, but I did it for him. You know?”

The problems really started when Sam’s desire for a healthy lifestyle took an unhealthy turn. He became obsessive. “I put my foot down when it came to keeping chickens. It’s Urbana for chrissakes, not the Ozarks! Then one day I see him out in the front yard I think to myself, ‘what the hell is that man doing?’ He’s tapping the damn maple trees. Do you have any idea how much sap it takes to make even a spoonful of syrup? Gallons!”

At the time of this article, Sam and Karen’s basement is slowly becoming cluttered with a large assortment of plastic containers. Each one is filled with un-rendered maple sap. Karen has had to find a place for all of it. “I have had it! If he doesn’t make that damn syrup soon, I will have to move the Christmas ornaments again!” Sam assured his wife that syrup-making time is almost at hand. “It’s going to be great! Just you wait and see.” We wish them the best of luck and hope this latest obsession has a sweet reward.

Mini-Van Traffic Hazard Becomes Choreographed Event

Anyone who has had to drive down Prospect Boulevard at roughly 8:30 in the morning on a given school day has seen the phenomenon in action: dozens of mini-vans lined up at the elementary school for morning drop-off. Kids hop out with book bags and lunch sacks in tow, while the mothers chat on their cell phones. It’s a traffic nightmare that requires one traffic cop and several adults on safety patrol. Most local residents do their best to avoid it. One mom, however, saw it as an opportunity. “It just reminded me of those Shriners with their little cars, and I thought, why not?"

So Sonia Warfel got all the other mothers together, and they started practicing. “We meet once a week to do our formations. We can do figure eights pretty well, but we need to practice a bit more before we do any more complicated patterns. The hard part is concentrating while the kids fight in the back seat. We are hoping to do some of our best patterns as part of the Fourth of July parade.” The musical score, if it can be called that, will be the cacophony of hundreds of screaming children in their car seats.

Local Resident Goes Postal on Renegade Squirrel

Julie Gunn had a problem. The problem was a squirrel. Julie is no faint-hearted lady, but this squirrel was a menace. It had taken up residence on the lid of her garbage can. Every time she went into the garage to take out the trash, that squirrel would be there. “It was like he was taunting me. As soon as I opened the door, it would chatter and lunge. I thought he would take my hand off!”

So, Julie decided to call animal control. What Julie didn’t realize, was that her husband had ideas of his own on how to handle the situation. While she looked up the number, Nathan went to the closet and pulled out his old pellet gun. He then went to the garage and took aim. Man and beast appraised each other. The squirrel realized he was at a distinct disadvantage an made a run for it, but Nathan would not be denied satisfaction. He made chase. It was not long before the squirrel stopped for a breather, and that was all Nathan needed. He pulled the trigger and, Bam, that squirrel was in the air. It landed spread eagle on the grass. Problem solved.

Parallel Universe

There are many benefits to living in a small midwestern college town. Having moved here from New York City, I think the abundance of wide open spaces is perhaps the greatest benefit of all. I don’t like driving in the city. It’s chaotic and occasionally terrifying. Out here it is easy. You can get anywhere you want in 15 minutes or less.

I know that people complain about parking in downtown Champaign, but really, it’s cheap and abundant. It’s not like New York where you have to take a second job just to house your vehicle. The only parking problem that I can see is that people in this town have all but forgotten how to parallel park. It's a dying art.

Those who sit outside Cafe Kopi or the new Cakes On Walnut have a front row seat to this phenomenon. Often I have found myself rolling my eyes in disgust as I watch the futile efforts of our less accomplished drivers. These people had to pass their drivers test at some point, didn’t that? Parallel parking was certainly on the test when I took it, although, I admit, that was some time ago.

Just yesterday I got caught in what can only be described as a traffic jam. A line of cars ran from outside Kopi, all the way south to White Street. The cause? An elderly gentleman whose car was, I kid you not, perpendicular to the sidewalk! In and out he jerked, in a vain attempt to make his car fit. How can we solve this problem?

Life In The Far Lane

There are many things about which I can rant: the economy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the Unit 4 school board, but today I will rant about something seemingly unimportant, but which, nonetheless, drives me crazy. It’s the fact that virtually no one in this mid-sized mid-western college town, turns into his own lane.

Now, maybe I’m a little touchy because, in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I failed my first driver’s test for just such a maneuver. I’m sure you know what I mean. The big wide turn into the far lane? Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself muttering, ”Swing wide, Grandma.” It’s ridiculous. It’s as if the sheer weight of the SUV’s and mini-vans has overcome us. People have forgotten how to make a tight turn.

One of my favorite past-times is to freak people out by turning into the near lane. I watch my rear view mirror and can see them panic. It’s as if I have caught them with their pants down. They notice that they are no longer behind me because, of course, they are aiming for the far lane. They quickly over correct as if to say, “I meant to do that”. So what can be done? Nothing I suppose, unless we get smaller, lighter cars again. Well, with the price of gas as it is right now, that might just happen.